A Conversation Never Seen in the Game
by Strawberriee
Summary: I am actually going to update?! Yeah. Chapter 4. Please read and review.
1. Feminine Look

_**A Conversation Never Seen  
in the Game...  
by Strawberriee**_

¤ ¤ ¤

... and so Link goes face to face with Ganondorf. He is playing a tune on his organ. 

Ganondorf: Hello, sweet Link. 

Link: You look different than usual.. 

Ganondorf is dressed in a pink sundress and flip-flops. And warts and zits and pimples and a gay hairdo. 

Ganondorf: (**Whispering to imaginary friend**) I told you the plastic surgery went good. 

Link: Plastic.. what? You got surgery? Why? 

Ganondorf: I wanted to look cute and feminine. 

Link: You ain't going anywhere. 

Ganondorf: And why the hell not. I am adorable, no? And.. 

Link: Retard.. 

Ganondorf: Huh? Retard? How dare you. 

Link: What's the fucking problem, bitch? It ain't gonna hurt anyone. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. 

Ganondorf: ... 

Link: I never knew you were, well, gay. 

Ganondorf: Well now you do. And hopefully you don't have anything **against** gaywads. 

Link: Oh no! Never! (**Snickers**) 

Ganondorf: Why are you laughing? Jealous of my feminine look? 

Link: Who the hell do you think you are? You're the dumbest bastard I ever- 

Ganondorf: Linky, dear. I am not a bastard anymore. I am a bitch. 

Link: Bitch! Dumbest bitch I ever met, besides Saria who tried to date Mido. But enough of that. 

Ganondorf: Well, I am not completely girlish, but I need about five more surgeries and I am girl-complete. 

Link: Are you going to throw your useless manly life away to become the gayest he-she wannabe ever? 

Ganondorf: Such words you must use. But yes I am. 

Link: (**Screams**) Whoa. And this game was rating Everyone. 

Ganondorf: I will show you my womanhood. 

Link: Ugh, you're gay! 

Ganondorf: I know. 

Navi: I am here from my coffee HOLY MATRIMONI, GANON GREW BREAST! 

Ganondorf: Another change in puberty. 

Link: He took surgery to make himself more 'feminine' as you may say.. 

Navi: Ganondorf? Why? 

Ganondorf: Link, even when I was a human male, I always thought Link was cute and handsome. 

Navi: I can't believe what I'm hearing! Dear lord of Hell, help me out! 

Link: Ew! I am **not** gonna date you, not even for one million dollars! 

Navi: Not even sixteen cents. 

Ganondorf: Then I must kill you. Any man that refuses to date me must be sentenced to death. 

Link: And who the hell said that? 

Ganondorf: Me, of course. And from now on, my name isn't Ganondorf. 

Navi: It's Ganondork? 

Ganondorf: No, it's GanonSally! Mu ha ha! 

Link: GanonSally? Now that is the gayest name I have ever- 

Ganondorf: Die, you must die! (**Hangs Link by the neck**) 

Link: Ack! (Gags) 

Navi: No.. 

Zelda then comes running in with a dagger. 

Zelda: Unhand my boyfriend, Ms. Ganondorf!

Ganondorf: I am **not** Ganondorf's mother, and certainly not his sister. I am the real Ganondorf, now GanonSally. 

Zelda: No! Ganondorf! You got plastic surgery to make yourself girlish? 

Ganondorf: Yes, dear Zelda. Sorry kids if I've screwed the game up, but I love my figure now. 

Zelda: Wicked! Let's go to my house and paint one another's toenails! 

Ganondorf: Indeed. I hope I can meet cute boys there. 

Zelda: Hey, have you ever tried thongs? 

Ganondorf: Thongs! I hate them. They are like atomic wedgies! 

They both walk away, giggling. Then Link unstraps himself from the rope. 

Link: Zelda blacked out on me. 

Navi: This is impossible. Ganondorf? He's now GanonSally, a he-she wannabe, and now he's interested in his worst hobby - painting toenails. 

Link: This is insane. That is the weirdest conversation heard in all of this game. 

Then Malon barged in the door. 

Link: Have I ever told you that you look hot seven years older? 

Malon: Yes. I am going to replace Zelda, now. For she has gone to bond with GanonSally, her new friend. 

Link: Cool! Oh, did you answer my letter? 

Malon: Letter? Did I? Hell no. 

Link: It had a sex wish on it, dammit. 

Malon: Link, there is serious problems with Hyrule. 

Link: Tell me about it. 

Malon: We must save Hyrule! 

Link: Save Hyrule! 

Save Hyrule, Save Hyrule, Save Hyrule! 

Link: After a quick show of PB and J Otter and a quick whiff of cheerleading. 

A/N: I am sorry if you thought it was mentally gay or it sucked. But I am always into crude humor. Please review with positive ones. Please no flames. More chapters to come. This is not the only never-before-seen conversation. Now that Malon is taking other what will happen? Remember to review! And I will **not** continue with more conversations if I don't get enough happy reviews and enough reviews telling me to continue. Thank you.

Disclaimer: I no way own Zelda, Link, Malon, Ganondorf, Navi, and other Zelda characters. Maybe I own GanonSally. 


	2. Hell Cows

_**A Conversation Never Seen  
in the game...  
by Strawberriee**_

¤ ¤ ¤

A/N: Thanks for all your reviews but I still want you to Read and Review. To make this story better, just imagine as if it were happening in the game..

... and right now, we see Link + Malon walking through Hyrule Field.

Link: I wanna go shopping.

Malon: We mustn't go shopping. Can't you see that the world in in danger?

Link: No. But still, we can go shopping at Ralph Lauren!

Malon: Sorry Link, but that's the dumbest thing you said all day.

Link: C'mon, I say dumber. (**Slaps Malon on the back**)

Malon: (**Doubles over and coughs up blood**)

Link: Why on my shoe?

Malon: (Gargling)

Link: Eew! You got brown blood! You're supposed to have red or green.

Malon: Green? What magazines have you been reading? I am blood + flesh, not handmade spinach.

Link: What have you been eating, crap or chocolate?

Malon: Chocolatè!

Link: Hey, I am supposed to be the dumb one in this story.

Malon: Yes, right. Let's get down to 'portant matters.

Link: Can I have the triforce?

Then they both stop to a halt.

Malon: Ahem, what did you just say?

Link: I want the triforce. Where do I get it?

Malon: Have you been surfing fibbin' websites 'gain?

Link: Must I tell you everything.

Malon: You have the courage, GanonSally has power, and Zelda has wisdom.

Link: What triforce do you have?

Malon: Umm, triforce of chili cheese dog.

Link: Wicked!

Malon: Link, concentrate!

Link: Those are the exact words on my orange juice carton.

Malon: Link! I am losing my patience!

Link: Really? Zelda is losing her virginity.

Malon: Link! Am I going to have to bash your head in?

Link: No but you can bash my face in.

Malon: (**Sighs**) Geek alert..

Link: Geek alert, Geek Alert, Malon is a geek.. alert!

Malon: (**Slaps Link**) Stop! Gosh!

Link: I wish my name was Josh.

Malon: Agad! Shut up!

Link: Guess the world's not all that sunshine and rainbow, huh snugglebunny?

Malon: Shut up before I call security.

Link: Security security! Help, I got diapers by my side.

Malon: What will I have to do to shut you up?

Link: How about hot sex.

Malon: ... did you just say what I thought you said?

Link: What? Hot sex?

Malon: Anything besides that..

Link: Ooh.

Navi: I'm back from my coffee break.

Link: Will you have hot sex with me?

Navi: Did you ask for hot sex?

Link: (**Puppy eyes**) Peeze?

Navi: No! This is worse than .. than..

Link: Talk shows!

Navi + Malon: SHUT THE HELL UP!

Link: Sowwy.

Malon: As I was saying, wait, what was I saying?

Link: She sells seashells by the seashore.

Malon: Puh-lease..

Link: I wanna Big Mac!

Navi: But you're a vegetarian.

Link: So what, I wanna Big Mac!

Malon: ... Okay then. Anyways, I think someone else besides GanonSally has plans up their ass..

Link: I thought it was up their sleeves.

Malon: I feel sorry for you to be so stupid.

Link: ...............................................................

There is a long pause of silence.

Link: Yippe Yi Yo, Yippe Yi Yay!

Malon: Must I end this way. Must I die this way.

Navi: Hey, where are we walking?

All Three: YAAAAHHHH!!!

They fall into a deep, black pit in the middle of the field. It was never known to be there. There are loud cries of screaming and faint sounds of moos...

Meanwhile.

Talon: Where is that Malon?

Ingo: Instead of sitting on your ass all day why don't you help me?

Talon: Shut up or there will be a flying ass 'round here.

Ingo: I thought you changed!

Talon: I thought you were drunk!

Talon + Ingo: Dammit!

There is thirty minutes of silence.

Talon: Where is Malon?

Ingo: She must be fallen into the deep pit of Hell Cows.

Hell Cows? Dun dun dun. 


	3. Murdering Day

_**A Conversation Never Seen  
in the game...  
by Strawberriee**_

¤ ¤ ¤

... and finally Malon + Link exit the hole, bleeding + punctured + bruise.

Link: I don't feel so great.

Malon: Neither do I.

Link: (**Gasps**) You're missing an arm!

Malon: Cow musta grabbed 'hold of it..

Link: Impossible!

Then, Malon's eyes turned a crimson color, she roared, then put her arm in the air. The screen goes snowy as Malon is biting off Link's arm..

Meanwhile at Lon Lon Ranch.

Talon: Well, Ingo, while we're waiting for Malon to come home, let's do something.

Ingo: I'm in the mood for macaroni and cheese!

Talon: AHH! It's Britney Spears!

A faint image of Britney Spears is seen in the far lands. The image nears Ingo + Talon every millisecond.

Ingo: Man, it's only Saria.

Saria: Of course it's me.

Talon: We thought you were Britney Spears.

Saria: Britney Spears? I do not look anything like her.

Ingo: What'd you come her for?

Saria: For milk.

Talon: Sorry our cows are boys.

Saria: Boys? Your cows must be homophobic.

Ingo: Calling our cows homos, eh?

Saria: If they are boys, then how does Link get milk from them?

Ingo + Talon shrug.

Talon: Maybe it's Link.

Ingo: Talon, you bull dyke!! Of course it's Link! ... I'm bored. Let's do something!

Saria: Ew, you guys are nasty!

Talon: Not together, stupid.

Saria: Wow, and I thought Talon was the stupid one.

Talon: Oh, flip you.

Saria: Hey look! I am flipping you off!

Talon: Get the hell out before I kill you with a rake.

Saria screams as Talon whips her head off with a rake..

Meanwhile at Mido's house.

Mido and peoples are having a sleepover party to celebrate the Deku baby's first b-day.

Mido: Okay peoples! Before we begin to snuggle in dream land, let's watch TV!

Everyone: Boo.

King Zora: Cinco de Mayo day! Join in the fun and play!

Rauru: Vamos la celebrar! Contando la musica!

Majora: My life! My future! My girlfriend!

Mido: Shut up and watch.

They are watching Sailor Moon..

Serena: Quick! It's a death threat from Ash Ketchum! Moon prism power!

Suddenly then Mido fell on top of his fairy with a scythe going through the back of his head, and Majora laughing evilly behind him. The screen goes snowy as we hear loud screams and cries for help..

Meanwhile at Zelda's place.

Zelda: Purple or green?

Ganondorf: Green nails? Who heard of green toe nails?

Zelda + Ganondorf: (**Giggles**)

Ganondorf: Oh it is so fun being a girl.

Zelda: When do you get your last surgery?

Ganondorf: Today at noon. It's the surgery for ...

Zelda: ??

Ganondorf: Nevermind!

They both giggle.

Zelda: Oh GanonSally, you're such a good friend.

Ganondorf: NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Zelda screams and cries for help as GanonSally chases her around the room with a pitchfork and devil-ears on her head..

Ganondorf: DIE MISERABLE STINK BEAST! DIE!

Zelda: GanonSally, what has gone wrong?

Ganondorf: ORDER BY THE PLAYBOY BUNNY, I AM COMMANDED TO KILL YOU!

Zelda: Then why didn't you kill me 32 hours ago!!

Ganondorf: DIE!

Zelda: NOO!

Ganondorf: Being a girl sucks!

Zelda: No, you shouldn't say that! Because you are judging yourself!

GanonSally pulls off "her" face, clothes, and everything girlish on her.

Ganondorf: No more am I GanonSally! I am back to Ganondorf!

Zelda: Put your clothes on.

Then Ganondorf chases her to "his" castle.

Zelda: Please don't push me any further!

Ganondorf: And if I do you'll melt in the magma, right?

Zelda: Exactamundo.

Ganondorf unleashes a power on her, causing her to scream. Zelda is then trapped in an emerald crystal.

Ganondorf: This game will now go right!

Zelda: But this fic are 'Conversations Never Seen in the Game'. Shouldn't we work out and do useless chats?

Ganondorf: Uh, no.

The scene disappears as Zelda disappears and Ganondorf disappears into his castle. 


	4. Ganondorf

_**A Conversation Never Seen  
in the game...  
by Strawberriee**_

¤ ¤ ¤

... and so we see Ruto reading Playboy and waiting for Link in a waiting room.

Ruto: Link!

Link: Ruto, what the?

Ruto: I heard what happened.

Link: (**Showing off his metal arm**) Look, I get to have a mechanical arm for three years until I get a new one.

Ruto: I love you.

Link: Fuck you. Ruto: Fuck you too.

They continue fucking at eachother for a matter of moments.

Link: Did you know that I put naked pictures of you on my website?

Ruto: WHY?

Link: But now I get 3,000,000,000,001 hits a day.

Ruto: YOU ARE SO MEAN!

Link: I know..

Ruto: Goodbye.

Meanwhile..

Saria: Stop! Gaggle!

Talon: HAHA!

Ingo: (**Trying to pull off Talon from Saria**) What the hell is wrong with you, boy?

Saria: How dare you hurt a girl that is infected with PMS!

Talon: EEW!! IS PMS CONTAGIOUS?

Ingo: You disgustingly perverted son-of-a-bitchy freak!

Talon: That's a no, right?

Ingo: I am bored, Talon! Let's do something!

Saria: My head popped off!

Talon: It's still on your neck.

Saria: Thank the lord.

Ingo: WATCH OUT! BEHIND YOU..

Meanwhile..

Ganondorf: I do not give a tinker's damn about your dress.

Zelda: Link will be here any minute now and my dress is ripped!

Ganondorf: YOU'RE IN MY CLUTCHES! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE RIPPED!

Zelda: God, I have to go through this again?

Ganondorf: Yes! (**Plays tune on organ**)

Zelda: Puh-lease, that tune is annoying me.

Ganondorf: Annoying. Annoying.

Zelda: Hey! Link is the dumb one, not you!

Ganondorf: Link! Bah! He ain't a dumb one! I am for trying to be a he-she wannabe!

Zelda: Yes you are. .... I gotta tinkle!

Ganondorf: Sorry, the plumber exterminated the ladie's room.

Zelda: WHY?

Ganondorf: Because this castle is for ME and as for ME I am a man.

Zelda: ..... dammit. Ganondorf, I'll do anything to not go through this again..

Ganondorf: Yes, this must be time # 984,874,893,458,965,866,349,658 I have captured you.

Zelda: Now I am going to end up like Princess Peach.

Ganondorf: Never will Link become a plumber! Never will I submerge into a Koopa! Never will you wear pink!

Zelda: SHUT THE HELL UP!

Meanwhile..

As Link was walking to Ganon's castle, hearing that Zelda was captured again, we tripped over a tree and landed on his mechanical arm.

Link: GARGLE! GAG! GRAGGLE! MY ARM!

Chicken Lady: Oh my fuck! What the bitch happened?

Link: I THINK MY MECHANICAL METALLIC MEGA-MORPHING ARM IS BROKEN!

Chicken Lady: Again?

Link: Quick! To the UMC Quick Care!

UMC Quick Care..

Doctor: Yes, you can't move that arm.

Link: What am I supposed to do?

Doctor: You have to stay in bed for three months.

Link: Three months? I can't wait that long! Zelda is captured by Ganondorf again and if I don't save her they'll both be married and Hyrule Hell will be turned into CandyLand!

Doctor: True indeed. But you'll be one-armed if you don't get that cured.

Link: You bastard! You care about me more than Hyrule?

Doctor: I should. You're my patient.

Link: You look familiar. (**Pulls of Doctor's face**) NABOORU? I knew it all along..

Nabooru: I quit being a Gerudo. I got a job for a marine biologist but I killed a walrus instead.

Audience: Aww..

Link: Shut up audience. Anyway, so you work for UMC.

Nabooru: YES AND I'M HAPPY!! YOOHOO! I MAKE $9,998 AN HOUR!

Link: No wonder you dress so nicely.

Nabooru: But I only get paid every four weeks..

Link: I guess I can't help out Zelda..

Meanwhile..

Zelda hears a ring on her cell phone.

Zelda: Hello?

Link: It's me, Link. I can't save you.

Zelda: Why not?

Link: I broke my arm.

Zelda: But I heard Malon bit it off..

Link: Yeah, she did but I got a metal arm and I broke it..

Zelda: This calls for a new superhero! Bye!

Link: Bye. *Click*

Zelda: *Click* This calls for ...

Ingo: ME..

Talon: AND ME!

Zelda: Yes my new superheros.

Ganondorf: Damn you. Now defeat me.

Ingo: Milk attack!

Talon: Ew, you pansy! You're gay!

Ingo: ... Die! (**Plunges an arrow into Ganondorf's ass**)

Ganondorf: MY SENSITIVE ASS!

Ingo: I didn't know you're ass was sensitive.

Ganondorf doubles over on the floor and begins to have a seizure..

Talon: Dammit, look what you did.

Zelda: My hero!

Zelda begins to kiss him.. and hug him.. then Talon engaged to her.. 


End file.
